Date: Wednesday, September 11, 1996 9:40PM
Subject: 100-Mile UltraWhining Checklist

        Due to increased public demand, researchers at the D&L Lifestyle
Institute have developed a form to measure and calibrate your capacity
to avoid personal responsibility. This form has been specially adapted
to meet the needs of the ultrarunning community.

        In order to better assign other-directed responsibility, some
background questions must be answered. Take your time, you have all night.

I attribute my DNF(s) to the following reasons:
(if there are additional causes, use the back of this form)

Ia.   Early Years

My formative years were dramatically warped by the following:

1) I was dropped on my head as a child.
2) My past life as Cleopatra was miserable.
3) Demons were a regular part of home life.
4) I was allergic to beets.
5) I was tragically misunderstood.
6) My invisible playmates always abandoned me.

Good. Now we are getting somewhere. Carry on, you're looking good!
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Ib.   Recent Present

In my current life:
1)  I can't get laid to save my life
2)  Running makes me high
3)  Live in my favorite running shorts and race t-shirt
4)  Walk around sucking water out of a bottle
5)  Mumble about splits and ITB syndrome
7)  Am on permanent taper
6)  I can't get laid to save my life.

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II.  Your Running Resume

When you go for a long traning run, do you:

1) Get lost easily?
2) Get lost by friends easily?
3) Route your runs past salt-licks in cow pastures?
4) Route your runs past sheep meadows?
5) Carry at least 4 bottles of pickle brine?
6) Run without shorts?

Or are you:
7)  Incontinent?
8)  Garrulous?
9)  Flatulent?
10) Delusional

add 15 points if all apply. Don't stop now!
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III. Race Day

You are at the start line. When you start, do you expect the following:

1) That your mother works the aid-stations?
2) That everything you read in "Runners World" applies to ultras?
3) That if there is a God, He/She/Whatever is looking out just for
you?
4) That eating the 3 sticks of butter on a bet was not such a swell idea
the night before.

add another 10 points if all apply. Time's a-wasting!
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IV. Into The Night

        It has been a character-building day on the trail. Now you have
just met your pacer for the first time. This is his/her first time as a
pacer. You were going to impress them with all your saved up stories of
wisdom. Their eyes are bugging out as they watch you lose your lunch on
their shoes. How do you really feel?

1) Swell
2) Fucking swell
3) I was clearing my throat the easy way.
4) What the hell are you staring at?
5) We're having fun now!
6) You are remembering an IRS audit with pleasure.
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V.  Evening Prayers

        Now, you've had all day to think about why you aren't doing as well
as you had boasted to anyone who would listen. Check all that apply:

1)  The course was poorly marked.
2)  You were not paying attention, and the hot-pink ribbons blend in with
the leaves.
3)  The RD has a personal vendetta with you.
4)  It's taking way too long to pee.
5)  The cut-offs are too harsh and arbitrary
6)  Turtles have gotten faster due to global warming
7)  The pre-race pasta feed was botulin-tainted
8)  There is a 3rd stage smog alert 200 mi downwind that wasn't publicized.
9)  The trail is too stony.
10) The trail is too sunny.
12) There are too many uphills.
13) The course is long.
14) You have just figured out that this is not a track ultra.
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VI. The Body Electric

        Your body is telling you things. In particular it is saying:

1)  You have blisters the size of water balloons
2)  You have ring of fire.
3)  You have jock-itch
4)  You are special, and tragically misunderstood.
5)  That big buckle really is supposed to be yours, dammit.
 -----------

VII.  Conclusions.

        Congratulations! You have managed to assign all personal
responsibility to others! You really measure up and deserve better. Go
ahead! Assert yourself! Be all that you know you can be! You can now take
the full upgrade from "Half-Assed" to "Complete Asshole".

Thanks. Put down your pencil.

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@D&L Lifestyle Institute & Ursine Proctological Foundation. No animals
were harmed, coerced or fudgepacked except as necessary for profits or
humor value. Professional drivers on a closed course. Do not try this in
your car. Contains 98% post-consumer concepts and raw fiber. Eat Like A
Peasant, Light Up Like A King@. Your mileage mayl vary. Eat More Possum,
and Have A Nice Day.